Healing after spiritual abuse…
What is the impact of DARVO, spiritual abuse, and gaslighting from pastoral leadership on the sheep? This is a deeply complex topic, and I won’t be able to cover everything here but for those who have found themselves on the other side of one of these environments, the experience can feel disorienting, confusing, and even traumatizing. I want to begin by saying this: you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. Many people, after leaving a spiritually abusive environment, begin to question themselves—their motives, their memories, even their relationship with God. They may wonder, “Did I imagine it?” and “Was I the problem?”
This internal confusion stems from a mix of:
-Cognitive dissonance (“This place preached the Bible and talked about Jesus—how could it be harmful?”)
-Gaslighting (“Maybe I’m just bitter… maybe I’ve taken the bait of Satan.”)
-Theological issues (“Is this even the real gospel?”)
-Spiritual dependency (“I don’t know how to hear God without them.”)
-Fear of divine judgment (“Is God angry with me for leaving?”)
There is an unspoken respect and authority for someone who is in a pulpit preaching and when the name of God is used it carries weight. In my opinion this is what makes spiritual abuse and related issues so devastating and harmful. When someone is portraying themselves to be the mouthpiece of God and a Shepard to the people but they are knowingly or unknowingly implementing controlling or manipulative tactics the negative impact on the sheep is very real.
Many who attempt to speak up or bring concerns to light are quickly labeled as divisive, rebellious, or even demonic. These labels are deeply harmful—especially to those who are simply calling for truth and accountability. If someone isn’t firmly anchored in the gospel of grace and their identity in Christ, these accusations can lead to deep internal turmoil and struggles.I personally believe it’s always a mistake to label a person as a demon.
When Scripture is weaponized and people are told they are in sin for speaking the truth, it breeds confusion and makes them question not only themselves, but even God. This betrayal often leads to difficulty trusting others, skepticism toward leadership, and in many cases, a loss of safety in church spaces. Sadly, some people even walk away from the faith entirely.
How do we heal and how do we support those who’ve experienced controlling or manipulative leadership? I don’t have all the answers, but I can share what helped me—and what I believe can help others:
-Being allowed to speak. I needed a safe space to share what I experienced and to ask hard questions without being accused of bitterness or unforgiveness.
-Time and truth. Healing didn’t come through being told “don’t take the bait of Satan”, “you are in offense”, or “get over it.” It came through processing and seeking truth with people who pointed me to gospel truth.
-Freedom from fear. I’m thankful that my current pastor gave me room to share and seek understanding without fear of being labeled. People must be free to share and process without the threat of being accused of gossip, slander, of being demonic or in offense. Sharing a real, lived experience is not sin.
But more than anything, it was understanding the gospel of grace that changed everything. I went from fear-based, performance-driven faith to resting in the all-sufficiency of Christ and His finished work. What I’ve come to see is that the true, undiluted gospel of grace is rare. Much of what’s preached is a “Jesus plus me” gospel, which is no gospel at all.
When biblical error or mixture replaces the real gospel, the fruit is always the same--control instead of freedom, fear instead of sonship, performance instead of rest, and manipulation instead of love. How I gauge who I listen to now is based on these questions-- Does this teaching make me feel insecure, like I’m never enough, and that I have to strive and try harder? Or does it point me to the all sufficiency of Christ and what He has already accomplished for me?
Understanding the gospel safeguards us against deceptive, controlling and legalistic errors. The gospel anchors us in Christ not in people or performance, it gives us direct access to God Himself, we don’t need a human mediator prophet or apostle in order to know God’s will or receive from Him, it protects us from condemnation, it frees us from religious slavery of systems that bring heavy burdens of do more and try harder, it clarifies our discernment, and it establishes our worth and identity. The gospel isn’t just the way we enter into the kingdom it is the way we stand and remain firm in it.
So if you are on the other side of a toxic church enviroment feeling discouraged and wondering if you will ever be able to trust again…I get it. But know this — it is possible to find a healthy church that is building on the correct foundation, it is possible to be healed from the abuse, to recover from the error, and to trust again. The gospel is that powerful and with God all things are possible.
