Healing After Spiritual Abuse
Being on the receiving end of spiritual manipulation or abuse is a deeply traumatic experience that can often times leave a person with many questions and in much confusion. The journey of healing isn’t going to look the same for everyone but I wanted to share some ideas that can help someone unravel and heal from the hurt.
- Acknowledging the Truth
Acknowledging the truth of what you experienced is crucial. Many times we may try to deny, minimize or disregard things we experience because the weight of it is difficult to bear and process. But being truthful with yourself about what happened is important. Acknowledging the abuse, manipulation or control done by church leadership is not wrong it’s actually a huge key in overcoming and moving forward.
- Manipulation Tactics
DARVO which stands for deny, attack, reverse victim offender (for more info: https://www.jennifermerrill.net/blog-posts/darvowithinthechurch) flips the script, making victims feel like villains and attributing demonic entities to them. If you were on the receiving end of this, it can be devastating and confusing. Recognizing and acknowledging that this is abuse and that it is never okay for this to happen to someone at the hands of a pastor is not sinful.
God sees and knows truth— you are not what they said, you are not going to be punished by God, and you are not bitter or demonic for sharing truth, seeking accountability or asking questions. Acknowledging these truths and the reality of what you experienced disarms the power of DARVO. We must separate ourselves from what was wrongfully portrayed and done in manipulation with what is actually true. You know what you experienced and you can trust yourself. Truth is truth and just because a leader reframes a situation to paint themselves in a different light doesn’t change the reality of what actually happened.
-The Gospel, Our Anchor
The gospel will always be the answer. Toxic leaders often teach a version of performance-based Christianity. But the good news of the gospel is that we are righteous totally because of Jesus. You can’t mess up your salvation through good or bad behavior, righteousness is a gift. The truth of the gospel is an anchor to help us through any storm or difficult circumstance — even spiritual abuse. God doesn’t withdraw from you because you exposed wrongdoing. Truth is not slander and you don’t have to prove your heart to anyone. Gospel truths make us free.
-The Grief is Real
You may be grieving the church you once loved, friendships that are now broken, feeling like you’re spiritually homeless, and wondering if you’ll ever be able to trust a leader again. These thoughts and feelings can happen and it’s okay if you feel confused or hurt. It’s important to find someone anchored in the gospel that you can talk to who isn’t going to judge you, accuse you, or dismiss your experience and feelings. God is not rushing you, there is patience, grace and love to help you process and heal.
-Moving Forward
It took courage to leave. Many people stay in abusive churches because leaving feels like betrayal. It takes incredible courage to walk away. God never commands us to remain loyal to abusive or controlling systems. Our loyalty and commitment is first and foremost to Him. In time and when ready you can find a new healthy church or small group. It’s okay to rest, heal and refrain from jumping right into another church. If you’re not ready to step out then that’s okay.
If you feel that you would like to but just can’t seem to overcome the fear of going into another church environment then there are many books, podcasts, and healing resources that you can use to process and recenter yourself on the truth of the gospel. Others have walked through it and through their voices you can find hope and healing.
You’re not alone in this. There truly are healthy, gospel-centered churches led by humble, servant-hearted leaders — and there are resources and people ready to walk with you as you heal.
God is not like the ones who hurt you. His love is powerful enough to restore what was broken, heal what was wounded, and even help you trust again. Don’t give up on Jesus because of what people did in His name. The pain is real. The confusion is heavy. But His love is stronger. You are seen, you are safe in Him, and you are not walking this road alone.
