Healing After Spiritual Abuse, Manipulation and Control
Being on the receiving end of spiritual manipulation or abuse is a deeply traumatic experience. It can shake your faith, your trust in people, and your sense of belonging in the body of Christ. The confusion it creates often lingers long after you leave the environment. You may find yourself replaying events, questioning your own memory, or wondering if you somehow caused it. The journey of healing will not look the same for everyone, but there are key steps that can help you begin to unravel what happened and recover from the hurt.
Acknowledging the Truth
Acknowledging the truth of what you experienced is crucial. Many times, we try to deny, minimize, or disregard abuse because the weight of it feels too heavy to bear. But being truthful with yourself about what happened is an important first step in healing.
When abuse, manipulation, or control is done by church leadership, it’s easy to feel like you’re dishonoring God by calling it out. But naming what happened is not rebellion — it’s an act of courage and an essential step toward freedom. What you experienced matters. It was not “just a misunderstanding.” You are not imagining it. Recognizing it for what it is helps dismantle the false narrative that the leader or church might still be pushing.
Manipulation TacticS
One of the most common tactics in spiritually abusive settings is DARVO — Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. In church contexts, this often looks like leaders denying wrongdoing, attacking the person who spoke up, and flipping the script so the leader becomes the “victim” and the real victim is painted as the offender. Sometimes this is taken further by attributing demonic activity or motives to the person speaking up.
If you were on the receiving end of this, it can feel like the ground is pulled out from under you. Recognize that this is abuse, and that it is never okay for a pastor or leader to do this to someone. God sees and knows the truth — you are not what they called you. You are not under His judgment for speaking truth, asking for accountability, or seeking help.
Separating yourself from the false identity they’ve tried to put on you is key. Just because a leader reframes events to protect themselves doesn’t change what actually happened. You can trust what you experienced. The truth remains the truth, no matter how they spin it. (For a deeper explanation of DARVO in the church, see this article).
The Gospel, Our Anchor
In environments of spiritual abuse, leaders often teach a version of performance-based Christianity — one where your standing with God feels tied to your behavior, your loyalty, or your participation in “the vision.” But the gospel tells a very different story: You are righteous solely because of Jesus (2 Cor. 5:21). Righteousness is a gift, not something earned or maintained by works.
When you feel accused or shamed for standing for truth, remember that God does not withdraw from you for exposing wrongdoing. He doesn’t withdraw from us in the New Covenant EVER. He promises to never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).
No matter what a leader says and no matter how they try to control the narrative, telling the truth is not slander. The gospel anchors us in unshakable love and security, even in the aftermath of betrayal. It frees us from the need to prove our hearts to anyone.
The Grief is Real
Healing from spiritual abuse is not just about understanding what happened it’s also about grieving what was lost. You may have lost…
The church community you once loved.
Friendships that are now broken.
The feeling of belonging you had.
The trust you once placed in leaders.
These are real losses. It’s okay to grieve them deeply. God is not rushing you through this process, His heart is gentle toward the wounded. Find someone anchored in the gospel who can listen without judgment, accusation, or dismissal. Safe people will let you process at your own pace, affirm your experience, and remind you of God’s character when you feel shaken.
Moving Forward
It takes incredible courage to leave a controlling or abusive church. Many stay because leaving feels like betrayal, but loyalty to Jesus comes before loyalty to any leader or organization. God will not call you to remain in a toxic environment that is causing you harm and stress.
You may need a season to rest and heal before finding a new church home and that is perfectly okay. Healing is not wasted or lost time, it’s an important step for the future. If fear of going back into a church environment is overwhelming, there are books, podcasts, and testimonies from others who have walked this road that can bring perspective and hope. It can be hard to imagine putting yourself back out there and trying church again, but there are true servant hearted leaders who are pastoring and leading healthy churches.
Not all leaders are like the ones who hurt you. But more importantly, God is not like the ones who hurt you. His love restores what was broken, heals what was wounded, and can rebuild your trust. The pain is real, the confusion is heavy but His love is stronger. You are seen, you are safe in Him, and you are not walking this road alone.
